The Biggest Impediment to a Hot, Passionate Marriage
Do you want a hot, deeply satisfying passionate relationship with your Beloved?
Ever wonder why you don’t have one?
It’s not because you don’t deserve it—you do!
You, and your partner, and everyone else one earth deserves to live a meaningful and happy life, so the real question is what’s blocking you from having that.
There are at least two main reasons why committed relationships often eventually lack passion.
The first reason is a lack of role models; people have no idea where to turn for inspiration and education. As mammals, we learn through imitation.
Even though we yearn to be cherished and deeply loved body, soul and spirit, without any role models it’s very challenging to know how to create it. (It’s for this reason that I tend to share generously from my own life and relationship.)
The second reason and the main reason passion fades is something I learned years ago while participating in a transformational workshop…
It is RESENTMENT.
In that workshop, many participants identified as addicts to alcohol, addicts to approval from others or feeling a victim. I too wanted to find my addiction, meaning the thing that would take me under if I wasn’t careful in managing it.
And then I realized, I was addicted to resentment.
Resentment kept me feeling superior, clear about what others did that wasn’t good for them and/or good for me, knowing I deserved something better while stewing in that knowing without changing anything.
Once my proclivity or “addiction” to resentment revealed itself, I saw when things were challenging my first response was to fall into resentment. Once I realized that I began to see my marriage in a whole other light.
I saw when I wasn’t satisfied, rather than sharing my truth or shifting my mindset, I instead went quickly towards resentment.
Indeed, I had become intimate with many flavors of resentment—dramatic resentment that felt like fire coming out of my ears even when I said I was “fine”, and super mild resentment that felt much like oxygen to my system since I didn’t even notice I was feeling it. And there was a whole range of different flavors in between.
I saw that I had co-created an energetic straight jacket made up of my resentment towards my husband and others in my life.
When I talk with people who feel unhappy or dissatisfied with the quality of their relationship, they do not typically realize that resentment is coloring their experience of their partner and the relationship they share.
But every single time, once we are deep in the work of transformation and accessing passion in exquisite ways, then the truth of how resentment has guided their experience is readily appreciated.
Given the prevalence and power of resentment, a natural next question to ask is how to get rid of it.
There are many options and the real answer is whichever one seems most appealing to you!
Here are a few options, by category:
There are physical ways to resolve resentment: exercise, yoga, taking a walk in nature.
There are emotional ways such as identifying and allowing your feelings to arise, writing letters where you express without censoring anything (don’t send them—it’s just for you) and role-play. These are mental ways which include any change in your thinking. Byron Katie’s: The Work is a well known, outstanding option, as is journaling.
Spiritual methods include prayer and meditation.
If you already have a practice doing one of the activities listed above, or something similar, use it deliberately to transform your resentment towards your partner and the state of your relationship.
If you don’t already have a practice, try one of the activities that seems most interesting and workable for you.
If you are interested in both working through your resentment and learning how to share your truth with your partner, let me know.
I have an intimate group of couples doing this work together—if you are interested to hear more, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll be glad to send you information about it.
And please, email me at email@example.com and let me know your experience.
Do you feel a backlog of dissatisfaction and resentment?
Do you feel comfortable sharing your truth with your partner?
What do you do to feel joyful and openhearted in the face of dissatisfaction in your relationship?
In Service to Your Transformation,