Espionage of The Soul

When I began my personal growth journey, the revelations were massive.

Self-awareness opened me to a whole new world. The breakthroughs and transformations were profound! And dramatic.

Decades later, the noticing is much more subtle, and the whole process feels a bit like espionage of the soul. Instead of discovering I had walked into an unconscious wall when I realize how blocked I have been, I now get a whiff of something and then carefully bring my attention to it, to see what I can find.

I recently had such an experience.

Around blame.

There are many experiences I have which I attribute to my husband’s actions. Many of them are truly wonderful, but not all of them…

So when someone asked me two weeks ago whether I ever blame him for my experience, I thought for a second. As someone who has done a great deal of work on myself and coach others to do the same, I know better than to blame someone else for my experience. Therefore, my first response was, “No, I don’t blame him—that’s not something I do.”


When I become aware of something of this sort within me, I do not turn away from it. I don’t try to tell myself it’s not true. I don’t attempt to excise it from my system. And I don’t conclude that I am a bad person. Not at all—instead I lean in and make friends with the part of myself which I have been previously avoiding.

I do this because every time I do, I discover important things about who I am. Leaning in inevitably results in my finding a nugget of truth.

And once I claim that truth, or honor that need, the offending behavior tends to drop away.

In other words, I know that qualities and behaviors I don’t like are covering up something important and when I embrace that important thing, those behaviors will drop away.

How did I put that into practice with this, when I realized that I do blame my husband for what I experience?

First of all, any time I was aware of believing that my reaction, my emotions, my experience were the result of something my husband said or did, I stopped and asked myself if I was blaming him for it.

To my surprise, the answer was YES pretty much every time I asked myself this question!!!

Second of all, having already asked my husband if he wanted me to tell him when this was happening and hearing his yes, I let him know when I blame him for something. Typically I say it somewhat flirtatiously or coyly. Occasionally it’s quite vulnerable. And never do I actually say it in a way that blames him. Because the point of my communication is to tell him about my awareness; it’s not actually about blaming him for anything when I share in this way.

What have I learned? I have learned that even after years of learning to take responsibility for the quality of my relationship, and the experiences of my life, I still have been subtly blaming my husband for times I feel dissatisfied.

The next step is to be compassionate towards myself, and to look at the patterns in play:

  1. When do I tend to feel that way?

  2. What am I thinking or feeling when I blame him?

  3. Once I tell him I was blaming him, what is the emotion right underneath? (It’s usually internal spaciousness and joy.)

This is still a work in progress, so I will let you know what else I discover.

What about you?

What are you newly aware of in yourself, and in your relationship?

And what are you doing to shift it?

Press reply. I would love to know.

With pleasure and purpose,

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