Earlier this week I was interviewed by Julie and Yue of the Date/able podcast. It’s one of the Huffington Post’s top 10 podcasts about love and sex; they are both awesome, curious, fun, openhearted interviewers!
One of the topics we discussed is how important it is to learn to ask for things so that your partner, and others in your life, want to say YES to you.
Julie, one of the interviewers, reflected that she often gets kind of righteous and demanding, and is very clear with her partner what exactly she wants and how she expects it to happen! She loved the idea of asking for what you want in a way that feels good for your partner to give it to you.
I often model an accusatory or critical, unpleasant or disrespectful way of informing your partner you want something. Then I contrast that with asking for it in a warm, connected, luxurious, loving way. Through modeling people understand what I am talking about. But she asked to spell it out in detail so she and the listeners would know exactly what to do.
On the spot I came up with the essential steps. Here they are. Use them anytime you want to make it feel good for your partner to say yes when you make a request:
- Keep the communication fresh and untainted with past disappointments. Drop all resentment and hard feelings about not already having what you want.
- Let go of attachment to outcome and focus on enjoying making the request, so the communication feels nourishing and wonderful regardless of the outcome.
- Instead of focusing entirely on you, your needs, your desires, and how you think it can work well for you, focus on your partner’s experience of receiving your request and what will be involved in honoring it.
- Open to receive and believe in your worthiness as reason enough for your partner to give you what you want. You won’t owe anything other than the sharing of your delight in receiving.
What is your experience when you make requests?
- Do you tend to force, cajole, make a deal, hope your partner will realize what you want without you even asking?
- Do you use one way of communicating when you want certain things and other ways when you want something else?
- Do you feel good when you ask for what you want?
- Have you ever asked your partner how it feels when you make requests?
- Do you make requests…???
I would love to hear, so please comment below or email me and let me know.
With pleasure and purpose,