So often, relationships look really good on the outside even when one partner experiences disconnection, and yearns to be cherished and adored.
There are relationships where the disconnection, antagonism, and dismissiveness is evident.
You’ve all encountered the situation when a man tells his woman it’s time to leave a store or a party and none of his words or his tone are respectfully asking if she is ready to leave. Nope, he is telling her it’s time, right now, regardless of what she wants in that moment. Sometimes it’s a woman who henpecks her guy in ways that are uncomfortable to watch.
But most relationships aren’t like that.
More commonly, both partners are collaborative… providing for their family and devoted to their children…going on vacation and posting great pictures on Facebook…celebrating milestone events and creating pretty interior design upgrades.
It has the look of a stable, connected family.
In some respects, it IS a stable, connected family—because both partners are committed to the relationship and to living life together. In other respects, it isn’t connected at all, because both partners are (un)consciously choosing to keep things in a state of equilibrium, hoping it will improve with time when the kids are older or they move to a larger home, or some financial goal is achieved.
In the meantime, it’s okay to make love once a month or a lot less often. It’s okay to talk about logistics and kids, all but 4 minutes per day—research says that’s how it is for a majority of couples.
It’s okay for him to watch sports as his main way to unwind and it’s okay for her to get her emotional intimacy from friendships and Netflix, and maybe her career.
That’s how it was for Jayne and Paul.
She loved him deeply!
He was everything she had wanted in a partner. He was an accountant with his own firm, with stable earnings, which increased almost every year. He was good at his job, and happy to leave in time to coach their son’s baseball team. He loved Halloween and still put on a costume even though their kids went trick or treating on their own.
Jayne loved his sense of humor and found his quirky way of putting cream in his mug, and then adding coffee to be singularly endearing. She knew he was the right man for her.
Even so, Jayne felt dead inside.
That was probably too strong a word, at least most of the time. She was more likely to say she was doing “great” when talking to friends from high school and college because there was a lot that was great in her life.
When talking with her sister she might say,
“I just thought life would be different.”
And what she meant by that was that she felt alone in her own marriage…
- Was she no longer attractive because she was getting older?
- Did he not find her interesting anymore?
- Was he having a tough time emotionally and not telling her? Even after months of being less interested in her stories and what was going on in her life, Jayne wasn’t sure what was having Paul withdraw.
Part of what was frustrating is that Jayne is a very competent woman. She is a patent attorney and is known for her sharp mind and excellent follow-through, plus being upbeat and good at customer service.
She manages her children’s activities and makes sure the family’s needs are well attended to with doctor visits, meal planning, packing lunches, planning birthday parties, educational opportunities, etc, etc.
She moves through her life resolving problems and handling challenges. Sometimes she’s stressed and just needs a break so she takes a hot bath and watches Netflix with a glass of wine in her hand. Then she’s ready to pick it back up and make it all happen again.
But when it comes to the lack of passion in their marriage…the emotional isolation she feels with the person she shares a bed with…none of her competence and managerial excellence are much help.
So, mostly she avoided it and focused on what was good in her life.
Until she heard me speak on a podcast, describing her exact situation in response to a question about whether long term relationships are a place where passion can be maintained.
She hesitatingly sent a short email saying she wanted to know more…
One thing lead to another, and after working with me, Jayne now knows how to talk with Paul about their situation in a way that has him quite interested in changing things.
They are more honest with one another than they have ever been, and while they still have some work to understand one another’s sensual needs and desires, Jayne knows he loves her, and that they are both willing to try new things and see what happens.
- If you feel lonely inside your relationship…
- If you want more and can’t quite figure out how to say what you want…
- If you feel clear how to handle challenges in other areas of life and not really sure how to handle challenges with your partner…
I have created a program, which lays out the steps for addressing each of these situations.
If you are interested in hearing more about it, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, and I will send you some information and answer any questions you have.
As summer comes to an end, school is starting, and the end of 2019 is around the corner, I wish you lots of moments of peacefulness and delight, on your own and with your partner.
In Service to Your Transformation,