Are you in a phase where your relationship doesn’t feel fantastic?
Perhaps after putting the kids to bed, you and your partner go to separate rooms to do your own thing. You think it would be nice to spend more time together, to feel desired, or to feel desire for your spouse. But instead, you sit in your own space…wishing you were making love more often. Things are a little numb, a bit stale and altogether disconnected between the two of you, and it is frustrating!
Maybe some days are better than others, but, over time, you’re experiencing a slow build up of resentment, disconnection, and frustration.
Even though you’re not really sure what’s going on or why this is happening, you know in your heart that sensuality and deeper connection don’t happen as easily as they used to.
Now you’re ready to change things up and you have the great idea to re-ignite the spark by buying some new lingerie. You think to yourself, “this will definitely help!”
I‘m not often so blunt, but the fact is that if you want to reignite the spark, buying sexy lingerie is never going to cut it.
I get why you think new lingerie may help–it’s a way to show you care and bring some novelty and fun to the situation. But that’s like thinking that going on a beautiful vacation will turn things around. You may assume that spending a lot of time together, leaving your phones in the hotel room while you go on adventures, is surely just what is needed. That will re-invigorate the relationship, right? But no, that won’t help either, at least not longterm.
Here are some other ideas people often try, to get in the mood and stoke the erotic flame:
- Losing a few pounds
- Getting a new haircut
- Shaving your legs and getting a bikini wax
- Planning the perfect date
Sure, these things may help in the short term as a way to show you care and invite your partner to get in the mood. I don’t want to discourage you from enjoying any of them which appeal to you. But just don’t think it’s going to turn things around and lead to ongoing moments of sexiness. It may lead to moments that remind you how beautifully you two can reconnect, but it won’t uplevel your relationship in a sustained way.
The point is this: if you’re going to buy some new lingerie, I absolutely want you to feel fantastic wearing it. I want your partner to notice you in your gorgeous new attire and respond exactly in the way you arre hoping for.
I also know that these kinds of solutions are not the answer to your problems. They are merely external, logistical, temporary improvements at best. Because even if they are helpful in the moment, they will only have a positive impact for a little while as the benefit is sure to fade away because it’s not addressing the core problem.
If you truly want to revive your connection, feel in love, cherished, and certain that it’s safe to bring up new desires, then you need to talk about the unspoken thoughts and feelings you and your partner have been keeping from one another. Because the real problem is withholding the truth in your soul. In other words, you need to be open and confident enough in yourself to both share your own truth and genuinely receive what your partner says – even if it’s not flattering – because it’s true for your partner that is reason to pay attention. The two of you need to face your issues head on, together.
Ultimately, the lingerie, vacations, and haircuts, are just distractions to avoid what’s truly going on in your relationship. Deep communication and honesty is essential to reigniting the spark and reviving the emotional intimacy. When you focus on authenticity and vulnerability with one another, you’ll create a context where sensuality and erotic intimacy flourish!
The changes you need to make are on the inside-they have little to do with appearances. Rather it’s about personal development for you, for your partner and for the two of you as a couple.
The solution lies in noticing when you’re reactive. It lies in learning to be more honest, more authentic, more present and more accepting of both yourself and your partner. That is what will actually create the intimacy you are aiming for.
Once you open in this way, your communication will be more real, less riddled with resentment, and enlivened with honesty.
I invite you to ask yourself this question right now: “Where do I need to put my attention?”
Trust your wisdom and intuition, and the answer that comes to you.
Some possible answers are to have more fun, or be more light hearted, or go deeper into the complicated emotions in order to see what’s lurking in the shadows of your psyche and then share it with your spouse.
Let go of the distractions of new lingerie, losing a few pounds, planning a special date night and instead open yourself up to what is needed for you to enjoy your life and your relationship.
To be clear, I am a fan of buying the lingerie, going on the vacations, and enjoying the incredible dates. Please, go for it because they are fun, nourishing, and they definitely won’t hurt. But don’t be deluded into thinking that’s the way to create lasting transformation in your relationship. (Lovely experiences–yes, lasting solutions–no.)
Once you shift your attention to the deeper issues, things will heat up in new and wonderful ways!
Wondering where to get started? Check out my programs and pick the one that’s right for you!
For more on this topic, be sure to listen to this episode of The intimate Marriage Podcast called “New Lingerie Isn’t Going To Help.”