This training is being updated. In the meantime, please find lots of great content on my YouTube channel
In this 6 Keys To An Intimate Marriage webinar, we will explore the six primary qualities which are essential for a vibrant, intimate, passionate marriage. A great marriage is not built on love alone–it also requires a willingness to work, play and grow together. In this 6 Keys to an Intimate Marriage webinar we will explore the six primary qualities that are essential for a vibrant, intimate, passionate, marriage, play, and grow together.
I want you to know that whatever the current situation is in your relationship, it’s neither good, nor bad, and you’re definitely not stuck with things staying the way they are. Having a fantastic relationship is a learnable skill and I will teach you how.
The world of wonderful marriages is not built on black and white principles of “right“ or “wrong”. Such marriages are built on the ability to be aware of what is happening, honor your own experience, be open to learning about your partner’s and choosing to move forward from there.
Regardless of how strong your connection is, or if you think your relationship needs a bit of a tune-up, your relationship simply is what it is– right at this very moment. And trust me, that is okay. In other words, you can start anywhere…and improve from there!
Every strong relationship experiences ups and downs, times of more connection and times of less, times of intense challenge, and times with more peacefulness. The good news is that you don’t need to avoid problems, what you need to do is learn how to face them, and choose how to move forward in a way that genuinely serves you both.
I celebrate you for being here. It may well be the most important step in learning how to do that.
From this moment on, I ask you to let go of any self-criticism, judgment, or comparison with others. Because it’s time to find your way, to create your amazing relationship.
The partnership in an intimate marriage is created by understanding and embodying the following six essential qualities. It takes time and practice to get your marriage to where you want it to be, but it’s not as hard as you think…and it includes a lot of fun!
By mastering this step, you will see a positive change in both the short and long term health of your marriage.
When you first fall in love, you want to know everything about your partner. It’s exciting and so intriguing to get to know them. In this phase you are filled with curiosity and deep fascination with who your partner is, what they like and dislike, formative experiences, dreams for the future. But then, life happens, and other things claim your attention. You have your responsibilities, but on top of that, you already know your partner well.
You know his answers to the questions you’ve been asking and it doesn’t occur to you to ask new ones.
This natural progression allows routine and familiarity to take hold. It’s comforting, and it’s the way that emotional safety is established. It definitely has its benefits. So again, routine and familiarity are neither good, nor bad. It’s just an evolutionary process.
If you take just one lesson from everything I teach you today, I hope it is this:
there will always be something new to learn about your partner.
From an early age most of us are taught the old adage, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” While this is great for maintaining civility in our daily lives, it can be incredibly damaging to a relationship.
When you withhold something that matters to you, it disrupts your connection. This is problematic because a lack of truthful communication constitutes a figurative and literal wall being built out of unsaid truths.
Instead of teaching couples how to communicate about sex or how to touch one another differently, I came to understand that I just needed to teach couples how to be emotionally present and vulnerable. Because once the emotional intimacy was flowing, eight out of ten couples would translate that directly into sensual connection and erotic intimacy as well.
When some people hear about the importance of honesty, they turn to their partner and tell them everything they can think of that they haven’t said before. They focus on their own experiences and speak without regard for how their partner will hear what they say, which can feel cruel and shocking on the receiving end.
Don’t do that. There is a beautiful middle ground between withholding and pushing things under the rug, and blatantly, explicitly speaking everything as it lives in you without regard to anyone else’s feelings. My goal is to avoid that kind of approach too and focus on what I call “Vulnerable Honesty”.
Vulnerable Honesty is not just about the need to share with your partner, but it’s also about HOW to share. The goal is to learn to share in an emotionally intelligent way so that you make it a win-win for both of the people in the relationship.
There are key differences between being “nice” and being “kind”. While building intimacy, being “kind” is essential. Whereas, being “nice” can seem like a good idea, it ultimately limits the intimacy and passion in your relationship.
“Nice” in a relationship largely means one thing: placating your partner. That might sound dramatic but think about it: when you opt for being nice, you’re focusing on making things pleasant for your partner even if it isn’t ideal for you.
“Being Kind”, on the other hand, maintains a focus on your own inner needs and desires while also considering your partner at the same time.
It’s the ultimate move where you communicate what you want without being selfish and dominating, while also not creating a disconnect that results from not honoring your own experience in the way that happens when you make a point of being nice.
There are times, however, when being “nice” or “kind” doesn’t get you the results you want, or forget to be kind in the first place, and find yourself in a sticky, triggering, terrible communication with your partner. That means it’s time for “The Conscious Redo”.
The redo is my favorite technique for couples who struggle with this type of honest, kind, connected communication. Conflict will happen, and when it does, we sometimes say things we don’t mean. Or sometimes you’ll be in a casual exchange that we are in a casual exchange and suddenly one or both of you have hurt feelings, or perhaps you are just annoyed and frustrated and feel trapped in misunderstandings.
Obviously, there’s an infinite number of ways this can go and my point is that anytime you’re having an interaction and it isn’t working for you. The “Conscious Redo” is the perfect answer!
Here’s the deal – you can be right, or you can be happy. Sometimes they work in tandem, but one does not always equal the other. In fact, this dichotomy can often work against you.
If you are primarily focused on being right in your relationship, then you are oriented to the opposite being true for your partner–they need to be wrong in your eyes. And by the way, this approach usually results in disregarding their feelings, viewpoints, and experiences too.
Many people acknowledge other points of view in academic or business settings and thrive during those conversations. In professional settings healthy debate can be invigorating! At the same time, being open to other viewpoints, perspectives, and priorities amidst a difficult conversation with your spouse can feel uniquely confronting. For some people being right is interwoven with feeling safe in your relationship.
However, while being right is gratifying and contributes to safety in the short term, it can ultimately work against you. Here’s a hard truth: being wrong isn’t sexy.
Finding ways to make yourself happy and content within your relationship, makes it easier to relinquish the need to be right in every argument. In turn, it can also be easier to approach conflict from a constructive viewpoint. So anchor in the quality of “Choose Happiness” by identifying activities and experiences you enjoy and make a point of doing them on a regular basis.
Many people believe that the key to a great relationship is for each person to meet the other halfway. I am here to tell you, though, that having each person take 50% responsibility in a relationship is one of the worst things you can do.
The real key to a successful relationship is for each person to take 100% responsibility for the quality of what they experience together.
Talking in abstract percentages can make it difficult to pinpoint exactly how
to take full responsibility for your relationship. Let’s first discuss what it means
to be the opposite of 100% Responsible:
Whether I am chatting with friends, or being interviewed on a podcast or by a journalist, I am often asked the same question about my relationship: “what’s your secret?”.
I will tell you right now that there is not one secret ingredient to the sauce which allows my husband and I to love one another so deeply.
Ultimately, the real answer to this question is that our relationship is, and always has been, based upon growth.
We constantly make decisions which prioritize our growth over everything else. This took some getting used to, and has occasionally been quite confronting. But most of the time it’s pretty peaceful and makes for an extraordinarily collaborative and connected relationship.
This drive comes from our understanding that our bond is fueled by a commitment to our mutual ongoing development.
Relationships are determined by the mindset you employ during times of crisis. When everything seems like a challenge, and you can’t seem to connect the way you want, are you going to maintain a fixed mindset? Is it just going to be that way because it is what it is and neither of you are going to change? Or, are you going to come from a place of love where there is always room for improvement? Where all you need is to learn the steps to profoundly transform and improve your relationship?
Will you choose growth?
The beautiful thing about “Seek Growth” is that you make it your own. You calibrate to what feels right to you. You consider your options, you experiment, do research, and play.
Remember earlier when I said that having a fantastic relationship is a learnable skill?
Well, when it comes to seeking growth you become a student and learn how to make your relationship delicious, loving, passionate, intimate, because it truly is possible.
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