I once coached a couple who were both very successful professionally—she was a neurologist and he was in charge of city planning in the medium sized city where they lived. They had both been clear what they wanted and made it happen in most areas of life—they had bought a home they loved, they had 3 wonderful children and had achieved multiple professional successes.
This couple was also clear on their financial goals and had paid off school loans along with their mortgage and been very deliberate about carefully making choices–together.
When it came to their 21 year marriage and the intimacy they shared, it was very different.
They loved one another deeply and enjoyed the life they had built together—no question about it. But there were many aspects of their marriage that were complicated, sometimes downright painful.
Mostly, they wouldn’t have called it painful—“confusing,” “frustrating,” or “disappointing” were more likely the words she would have used. (He wouldn’t have used any.) Because, like most couples, they had more pride about their marriage and were not comfortable saying that they were actually unhappy in their marriage.
Not when everything was basically good, and it was so much better than most couples they knew.
However, they also knew they could be a lot happier than they were—that was the subtle, complicated, and very important truth.
When it came down to it, and each of them courageously considered the reality, neither he nor she felt seen or heard except on a fairly superficial level.
When he had a challenge at work, he tended not to share it because he couldn’t count on his wife being totally supportive and on his side. So telling her would have him feel even worse…
When she didn’t feel honored as a woman in the ways she yearned for, she didn’t really know what to say about it. She wasn’t exactly mad at him, because she knew he was doing his best. But she really wished he would look at her, and talk to her, and listen to her in a way that had her feel alive and cherished.
I wasn’t surprised to hear that they hadn’t had sex in 6 months. Often, after a month or two passes, it gets harder and harder to make love again.
When I met them, she said to me, “You know, we’ve been married for 21 years and I thought we would have figured it out by now.”
I knew exactly what she meant. Do you?
Marriage is an institution so many participate in. Yet how many do it really well—as well as you might do your job, raise your children or achieve excellence in other areas…
This is exactly why I have written Uncompromising Intimacy and why I have designed the Conscious Partnership Program—to give couples a Blueprint for Conscious Partnership and to share the 6 essential qualities required to create a fantastic relationship. THIS is what results in the feeling that you have in fact “figured it out”.
What about you? Have you “figured it out”? Do you want some guidance? Press reply and let’s have a conversation.
With pleasure and purpose,